I have meet a lot of new friends on this journey and I have inspired couples take that leap of faith to adopt. When they had asked me about adoption, I am overcome with excitement and I jump in with all things adoption. You can tell when talking to someone that they are ready. They are not just ready to be pregnant or hold onto hope that another fertility treatment may succeed. They are ready to be a mother no matter the mounds of paperwork ahead, no matter the months of waiting in silence, no matter the DNA.
There were years that I lost that light in my eyes. YEARS. I became very good at hiding my sadness. I became an expert at lying to people about my struggles and ultimately lying to myself. I honestly thought if I could just try harder, drink less caffeine, exercise more, exercise less, stop drinking anything but water, go on vacation, drink more almond milk, take my temperature daily, test my ovulation, see every specialist, test my blood, and TAKE ALL THE SUPPLEMENTS that I would finally become pregnant. Talk about losing your mind.
In the midst of my controlling and (let's be honest) kinda crazy behavior, there was one very important thing I wasn't doing. I wasn't asking God what He wanted for my life. Don't get me wrong- I was praying, BOY WAS I PRAYING! But my prayers had tunnel vision: that we become pregnant. I wasn't asking God what He wanted for our lives as parents. I was assuming I knew what He wanted and if I tried harder, He would grant me that wish.
So here's the thing I've learned the hard way- this is not how our loving God works. He is not a magical, wish-granting genie. He is not waiting for me to say or do the right thing and then BAM give me what I've asked for. God wants our heart, all of our heart and He wants us to trust that He has the best in store for us. Nothing but the best. Once I shifted my prayers and began asking God to use me, my life drastically changed and slowly the light entered back in.
Wow, yeah, so- I could have become pregnant that year of 2010 and we could have moved on with our lives like many do. We would have been happy. We would have had some struggles but ultimately, we would have made it through.
But guess what happened instead?
Instead, I've had FIVE amazing years getting to know my husband better and we've made the best memories, just him and I, that I will cherish forever. God gave me nieces and nephews to love while waiting for a baby.
I can only describe it as being saved from drowning. I was deep, deep in sorrow, my heart was severely broken, and it was getting harder to breathe. In that moment that we deiced that we were going to adopt, I was lifted. I was also given the gift of courage to share my story. I've never been brave enough before, I was always ashamed of our infertility, but suddenly, and with new passion that wasn't of me, I wanted everyone to know everything I'd been through.
That was The Plan.
To share. To be brutally honest. To be translucent. For me, for you, and for all who come after me and need it. The Plan doesn't consist of just becoming a mother, that's just a part of the The Plan. God's Plan is SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL AND GRATIFYING than that. The Plan was and continues to be about coming closer to God and giving my life over to Him, no matter the *fill in the blank.*
So this year I have no other wish than to seek Jesus and wait on His perfect timing. Am I wanting a baby? Yes. Do I sometimes get impatient. YES. Is it possible we will go another year without having a child? Yes. Am I ready to fight the fight and trust that God will not let me drown, no matter what? YES! LET'S DO THIS, 2016!